The Inbetween
June, Stephanie Cheng, 2023. Canadian artist.
When we look around us, we may see everyone having their lives together, Leonardo-DiCaprio-style skipping along their merry way. When we look at our phone, we see friends and strangers having their lives mega-together. Recently, I’ve felt a little lost resigning from a finance job (getting there was a big goal of mine achieved) and have doubts if finance is even for me. Talking to friends and people reaching out, I know I’m not alone.
I had a coffee chat with an incredible woman today. She is a mother of four (!!!), a managing director at a multi-billion-dollar asset management firm, an athlete, well-dressed, kind… Goals. I didn’t have the heart to fake excitement about finance, so I was candid with her. I paraphrased my CV work experience, told her that I like teaching yoga, leading art tours, and want my family/health to not get destroyed by work. To this she said these “lost” dark moments are always part of the path and it’s happened to her. I felt relief.
She considered starting a business and blog for skiing, a passion of hers. She made attempts to launch it but it just wasn’t working. She applied to this asset management firm on a whim, and the process flowed easily. She’s now built out a large area of business that she loves and has been there for over a decade. She said to try different areas (art, yoga, finance) and notice what it flows. That which feels in flow is closest to your dharma. Dharma can be defined as your “path of rightness” or purpose, the fulfillment of the best version of ourselves. It feels right - not necessarily perfectly easy, but good.
In my times of insecurity, I found strength in reading personal stories overcoming rough times. We often keep walls up to come across as having it all together and share only the highlights. I don’t feel the need to post of a video of myself crying on Instagram, but I do want to post these musings in my 20s (and 30s and 40s??) where I feel confused at where I am but still confident in where I would end up. I don’t know how, but I do know that I will have the following:
A beautiful, happy family with the love of my life
Be in my ikigai in my work: I will do what I love, be good at it, get paid well for it, and be needed by the world for it
Be healthy inside and out with ample time to take care of myself physically and mentally. Feel beautiful and feminine
Be living near family and friends, my kids will grow up with grandparents
Be able to teach and bring out the best in others with yoga, art, etc.
Years from now I’ll reread this article and think wooo, I really did it!
After sharing my last post on resigning, I got so many kind messages from people saying:
Thank you for sharing, I don’t feel so alone anymore
I did something similar years ago and it was the best decision ever
I am daydreaming about doing it
I am going to do it next month
We’re not as alone as we sometimes feel. Our momentary hardships are not as unique as we think. Everyone else has it all together but me! Not at all. True community and support is something we may not have in as much abundance in our modern age of cities, offices, social media, global mobility. It’s something I would like to offer you in writing in case you need it.
This isn’t a “goodbye finance” post, as maybe something finance-related is in my dharma. This is a I-don’t-know-what’s-happening-now post, an admission that I am in the Inbetween. An Inbetween moment is normal, I’m not alone, and I know I won’t be there forever.
I may not be exactly where I want to be in my end-game, but I am exactly where I am meant to be for my next step. How lucky am I to not have one thing define me for my entire life! How lucky am I to get to explore different areas, hobbies, and passions to learn more about myself and others.* There’s so much beauty in paddling out to your next wave.
I’ll try out some things and something will stick, as my dad says. Taking action will move me forward along my path from A-Z, not sitting around creating scenarios in my head.** I’ll keep trying to see what feels most in flow.
One thing I do know, is that I’ll be paying attention to my heart more. I will consider its signals, not letting my brain be the sole decision maker. Heart and head are now living in harmony. My heart figures out where it wants to go, my head figures out how to get there.
Katya
* thank you T! ** thank you J!
The artwork on the cover is June by Stephanie Cheng, a Canadian artist based out of Toronto/Halifax. Thank you for the gift T, it’s beautiful.